You did nothing wrong

Almost all parents ask themselves at some point: did I cause this? The honest, research-backed answer is no. And that's more than a comfort.

When something is different with your own child, most parents look for the fault in themselves first. Was I too strict? Too lenient? Too much on my phone, too little present, too stressed in pregnancy? These questions are deeply human, and they're tormenting, because they never stop. So first the most important thing, clearly and unmistakably: neurodivergence is not caused by parenting.

What the research shows

ADHD and autism are strongly hereditary. They're laid down in early brain development, often before birth. That's not a guess, but one of the most robust findings in all the research on it.

• ADHD: Twin studies estimate heritability at around 74 percent on average. That makes ADHD one of the most strongly genetically shaped mental traits there is, comparable to traits like height.
• Autism: Twin and family studies estimate heritability at about 80 percent. A study across five countries with more than two million people arrived at around 80 percent. Here too, predisposition dominates.

Recognised environmental factors that can play a role are biological in nature, such as premature birth or very low birth weight. Parenting style, screen time, sugar or “too much spoiling” are explicitly not among them. The old, long-disproven idea that cold mothers cause autism has been clearly rejected by research too.

To the point: your child is the way they are not because you did something wrong, but because their brain was wired differently from the start. That doesn't take the work off your hands, but it takes the blame off you. And that's a big difference.